[attr="class","girlgonetop"]

☽☼☾

[attr="class","girlgonebot1"]


No matter what you do, or how things change, you can never truly forget.

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It was easy when you lived in London, surrounded by new friends and learning to love yourself. You could laugh and smile without anything holding you back anymore. Not even the guilt of what happened in Helsinki could take away the peace of a new life. Life was good to you for the first time in years, and you had good people around who cared about you.

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You started painting a lot to cope with your memories, putting your raw emotions on canvas whenever you felt them. Sometimes you found yourself up for hours, sleepless nights passing by as brush met canvas and created something horrific.

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The images you made were often grotesque and seldom suitable for the sensitive eye. Harsh, clashing colors– unsettling figures– an abstract flurry that beggars the imagination.

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You showed some of these paintings to your therapist once, and she was greatly unsettled by what she saw.

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So you kept it all hidden.

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It was one dark evening, closer to 3 am, that you felt yourself moving beyond your own accord. You’re not sure what happened that night, but when you woke up, half your apartment was covered in paint.

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And in your living room, was a painting.

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The image you painted haunted you to the core. So much so, that you packed up your apartment and moved back to Hiraeth City less than a week later. You don’t like to remember what the painting looked like.

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You came back to the city at the dead of night. At 3 am.

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It wasn’t long until you heard the news. You didn’t take it well.

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Suddenly, every good thing came crashing down. Your sunny summer days and rosy hazes in London suddenly felt so far away. You could’ve come back to Hiraeth City as soon as you left Helsinki, but you didn’t, and the allure of a new life had dragged you in and kept you there for so long that you forgot what it was that kept you going in the dark depths of your inner thoughts.

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It’s so easy to forget about your highschool sweetheart and those gossamer dreams when life wants you to move on from your past. You really wanted to leave everything behind, Hiraeth City included. It was selfish.

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You abandoned him. He needed you, and you weren’t here. You may as well have pulled the trigger yourself. You could’ve come back sooner, and you didn’t. You could’ve spoken to him first. You could’ve said goodbye. But you didn’t.
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You were falling,

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Falling,

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Falling.

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Vertigo shook you

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The fear took you

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And the ground rose to meet you.

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No, it didn’t.

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You gazed down from the top of you new apartment building with a hazy gaze. It was so easy. It would’ve been so easy to just…

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A step forward, a leap, a fall.

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The wind blew right through you like a ghost.

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Could you actually do it?‌ Was it worth it?

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You abandoned him. You two could be together.

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When you were in Helsinki, you thought about it all the time. Going back and starting a life with him, if he’d have you. He was probably dead by the time you escaped that horrid place, and it made you sick to your stomach. You daydreamed like some naive child, and when you became a new person in London, you fooled around and forgot he even existed.

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Valo deserved better.

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You tried to take the last step.

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You couldn’t do it.
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-
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It was 3 am.

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The city was brighter at night than you remembered it– Loud, neon, suffocating– an overload of the senses that would leave you dizzy and disoriented.

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But here, it’s quiet.

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You put your head back, leaning against a cold tombstone as you gazed up at the sky. There were almost no stars here anymore– the city was all consuming. It takes every good thing away, it seems.

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“I‌ didn’t miss this sky,” you say, finishing the rest of your frozen yogurt as you set the cup down beside you. There was another cup of the cappuccino-flavored confection, untouched.

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You always bought two.

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“One of the kids I tutor told me today that he wants to be a superhero when he grows up. It’s cute, I think. He said he wanted to be like the Moreis.”

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She sighed.

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“Wouldn’t that be something? Kids looking up to you and becoming heroes and vigilantes?‌ It’s a nice thought. There are a lot of good kids in this city, but some are too young to really understand how dangerous that life is. The superhero fantasy is charming, but I don’t know what I’d do if ten years down the line, I saw one of those kids on the front of the papers with an obituary following it.”

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Hopefully, she’d be here this time. To protect the children. She couldn’t afford to lose anyone else in her life.

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“I think I’m learning to be happier, too. I met some good people at a coffeehouse recently, and they keep trying to get me out of the house. I’m not always up for it, but it feels good to know there are people who want me around. It’s getting easier to smile again. They’re taking me out for drinks at this new place tomorrow– The Corona, I think it’s called. Should be nice.”
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The visits were always short, but it helped her cope. She didn’t think about Valo too much outside of these occasions, because she didn’t think she could deal with the weight of it all. So she suppressed it. The thoughts, the memories, everything.

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But the moment she touched that headstone, all walls broke down. She needed it. Sometimes, the pressure just became too much for her to deal with, so she had to talk to someone who understood– ghosts are great listeners.

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And when she left, things would be built back up like she hadn’t just cried at his grave until dawn.

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At first, she visited every day, and then every other day, but now she only visits once a week.

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She didn’t like to think about how much she missed him.

[attr="class","girlgonelyric"]

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